| Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) | |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Mon Jul 13, 2009 2:36 pm | |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Mon Jul 13, 2009 2:38 pm | |
| Ok, so I go first. These are a series of quotes from a movie called Mike Bassett : England Manager...
Commentator: Half time, and England trail Mexico by 2-0.
Mike Bassett (to the players in the Dressing Room): Have you heard what the crowd are fucking shouting? "Fuck Bassett!" "Bassett's a cunt!" "Bassett's a bastard!" "Bassett's a wanker!" They shouldn't be fucking shouting at me, they should be shouting at you, and do you know why? Because it's fucking half-time, and we're fucking 2-0 down to the fucking Mexicans! What the fuck's wrong with you? Get your fucking fingers out! Where's your bottle fucking gone? [hurls piece of equipment at the goalkeeper] Mike: And fucking pay attention you cunt, when I'm fucking talking to you! If you don't wanna wear the shirt, fucking take it off! There's thousands of kids out there who'd die to put that fucking shirt on. Get back on the fucking field, show those bastards what you can fucking do, or you can fuck off home on the fucking plane! You got that?
Commentator: England lose 4-0. |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Mon Jul 13, 2009 2:40 pm | |
| Mike: Ladies and gentlemen. England will be playing Four-Four-Fucking Two. |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Mon Jul 13, 2009 2:42 pm | |
| Margaret, Mike's PA comes with the Squad List... Margaret: Mike, here's the squad list, and I've given copies to the press, like you asked. Mike: Ah, well done, Margaret, thank you... hey, hang on a minute! There's 28 names here, I only picked 26. Margaret: Well, that was the list you gave me. Mike: Tony Hedges, York City? I didn't pick him, love. Margaret: You must have done, Mike. I wouldn't have put him down, otherwise. Mike: Never heard of him, have I? And who's this clown? Ron Benson, Plymouth Argyle? Margaret: Look, Mike, they were on the list of players that you gave me! Mike: [holding up the cigarette box he had initially wrote the squad list on] Oh, come on, love! Show me where it says "Benson and Hedges" on that. |
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Vishal16 Doesn't like his tagline messed around with
Posts : 5295 Join date : 2009-04-21 Age : 33 Location : Mumbai
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Mon Jul 13, 2009 6:57 pm | |
| WHY DOES A CARPENTER CRY AFTER HIS WORK HOURS EVERYDAY ? BECAUSE he "screws up" all the work he does |
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Rahul Stupid and Annoying
Posts : 6147 Join date : 2009-04-21 Age : 32 Location : shekshy shekshy
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Mon Jul 13, 2009 9:51 pm | |
| - Navpreet wrote:
- Ok, so I go first.
These are a series of quotes from a movie called Mike Bassett : England Manager...
Commentator: Half time, and England trail Mexico by 2-0.
Mike Bassett (to the players in the Dressing Room): Have you heard what the crowd are fucking shouting? "Fuck Bassett!" "Bassett's a cunt!" "Bassett's a bastard!" "Bassett's a wanker!" They shouldn't be fucking shouting at me, they should be shouting at you, and do you know why? Because it's fucking half-time, and we're fucking 2-0 down to the fucking Mexicans! What the fuck's wrong with you? Get your fucking fingers out! Where's your bottle fucking gone? [hurls piece of equipment at the goalkeeper] Mike: And fucking pay attention you cunt, when I'm fucking talking to you! If you don't wanna wear the shirt, fucking take it off! There's thousands of kids out there who'd die to put that fucking shirt on. Get back on the fucking field, show those bastards what you can fucking do, or you can fuck off home on the fucking plane! You got that?
Commentator: England lose 4-0. - Navpreet wrote:
- Margaret, Mike's PA comes with the Squad List...
Margaret: Mike, here's the squad list, and I've given copies to the press, like you asked. Mike: Ah, well done, Margaret, thank you... hey, hang on a minute! There's 28 names here, I only picked 26. Margaret: Well, that was the list you gave me. Mike: Tony Hedges, York City? I didn't pick him, love. Margaret: You must have done, Mike. I wouldn't have put him down, otherwise. Mike: Never heard of him, have I? And who's this clown? Ron Benson, Plymouth Argyle? Margaret: Look, Mike, they were on the list of players that you gave me! Mike: [holding up the cigarette box he had initially wrote the squad list on] Oh, come on, love! Show me where it says "Benson and Hedges" on that.
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Vishal16 Doesn't like his tagline messed around with
Posts : 5295 Join date : 2009-04-21 Age : 33 Location : Mumbai
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Tue Jul 14, 2009 12:10 am | |
| What is the difference between raw meat and pea soup ? You can eat Raw meat but you cannot pea (to be read as pee) soup |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 1:35 am | |
| George Best = Go get beers |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 1:36 am | |
| Andy Gray = Randy Gay |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 1:38 am | |
| A young autograph hunter was really chuffed when he got Tevez's autograph after a match. The following week he accosted Tevez once more and got his autograph, and after the next game he tried to get it yet again. "Look here," said Tevez, "this is the third time you've asked for my autograph. What's going on?" "Well," said the young man, "if I can get eight more of yours, I can swap them for one of Michael Owen's." :happy:
Last edited by Navpreet on Thu Jul 16, 2009 2:11 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 1:41 am | |
| Wife: 'Football, football, football! That's all you ever think about! If you said you were going to stay at home one Saturday afternoon to help with the house' work, I think I'd drop dead from the shock!'
Husband: 'it's no good trying to bribe me, dear.' |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 1:45 am | |
| An American visitor to England watched his very first football match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.
After the match he fell into conversation with one of the English players and remarked, 'You know, over in the States, our players wear thick protective clothing. You guys must be frozen stiff in those light clothes.'
'It's not so bad,' said the Englishman. 'Sometimes the ground is covered in snow.'
'You don't say!' exclaimed the American. 'What do you do about the balls? Paint them red?'
'Oh, no,' said the player. 'We just wear an extra pair of shorts.' |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 1:46 am | |
| After a visit to the doctor, Didier Drogba dropped in to his local pub for a quick one. "What's up mate?" asked his friend Natimbe Matumbu, "you look worried."
"Yes, I am," Didi replied. "I've just been to the doctor's and he told me I can't play football."
"Oh, really?" said Natimbe. "He's seen you play too then, has he?" |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 1:54 am | |
| A footballing lad named Paul Could do fabulous things with a ball. In one of his tricks, With a series of flicks, He managed to knock down a brick wall. Not so much of a joke, but a great limerick nonetheless |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 1:54 am | |
| Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall - so the referee booked him. |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 2:05 am | |
| The Football Association was considering a scheme for simplifying club badges and emblems so that they more closely reflected the clubs' names. A committee was set up to receive suggestions and, after a few weeks, the chairman called a meeting.
'Gentlemen,' he said, 'our request for new club badge designs has produced a very satisfactory response.
Most of the suggestions are perfectly straightforward and logical - an ox for Oxford United, a sun for Sunderland, a heart for Heart of Midlothian, a windmill and a brick wall for Millwall.
However, I'm afraid we must definitely draw the line at the proposed design received from Arsenal!' |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 2:07 am | |
| Top tip for Liverpool fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support. |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 2:09 am | |
| A man walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age like to put on the mantelpiece. He thinks, "that'll be perfect for my mother-in-law's birthday," so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is. "£10 for the rat, £100 for the story," replies the man.
Skip the story, thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for the tenner. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass prat over, and millions of rats follow, one after the other, plunging to certain death. The bloke then runs back to the shop...
"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "I thought you'll be back for the story". "Sod the story, where's the brass Chelsea fan?!" |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 2:10 am | |
| Q. What's the similarity between Real Madrid and a 3-pin plug?
A. They're both useless in Europe.
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Q.What's the difference between a hedgehog and the Man City team bus?
A. The Man City bus has more pricks |
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Guest Guest
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 10:57 am | |
| - Navpreet wrote:
- Q. What's the similarity between Real Madrid and a 3-pin plug?
A. They're both useless in Europe.
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Q.What's the difference between a hedgehog and the Man City team bus?
A. The Man City bus has more pricks |
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Vishal16 Doesn't like his tagline messed around with
Posts : 5295 Join date : 2009-04-21 Age : 33 Location : Mumbai
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Rahul Stupid and Annoying
Posts : 6147 Join date : 2009-04-21 Age : 32 Location : shekshy shekshy
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 1:39 pm | |
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Rahul Stupid and Annoying
Posts : 6147 Join date : 2009-04-21 Age : 32 Location : shekshy shekshy
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:25 pm | |
| Welcome to Liverpool's end of season Party!!
Dress Code: 70s and 80s only.
Strictly no trainers or silverware please.... Read More... Read More... Read more
Drinks available: Sponsors Carlsberg will be providing the beer however there will be a lot of bitter! NO DOUBLES or TRIPLES allowed.
Drinks will be served in glasses only. Sorry no CUPS available.
Competition: There will be a prize for the best dressed person, sorry no prizes for 2nd spot.............. |
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Rahul Stupid and Annoying
Posts : 6147 Join date : 2009-04-21 Age : 32 Location : shekshy shekshy
| Subject: New Liverpool Away KIT Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:27 pm | |
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Last edited by Rahul on Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:33 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Rahul Stupid and Annoying
Posts : 6147 Join date : 2009-04-21 Age : 32 Location : shekshy shekshy
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:28 pm | |
| Q. Why are Man Utd and a prostitute so similar ?
Ans. Because both made a lot of money recently selling their cunt. |
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Rahul Stupid and Annoying
Posts : 6147 Join date : 2009-04-21 Age : 32 Location : shekshy shekshy
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:30 pm | |
| Kissin' Cousins What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen liverpool fans in one room?
A full set of teeth!
Grounded Why did the Liverpool players miss their flight for the big game?
They were stuck on a broken escalator!
Hit and Run If you see a Liverpool fan on a bike, why should you not swerve to hit him?
It could be your bike
A Day at the Beach What do you get if you see a Liverpool fan buried up to his neck in sand?
More sand!
No Way Out You're trapped in a room with an angry grizzly bear, a hungry Lion, and a liverpool fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the (insert team) fan… twice.
On the Bright Side What do you call a Liverpool fan with half a brain?
Gifted! |
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Rahul Stupid and Annoying
Posts : 6147 Join date : 2009-04-21 Age : 32 Location : shekshy shekshy
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:31 pm | |
| an Irish man a Aussie man and a scouser all in a bar see Jesus
the Irish man buys him a pint of guineas
Jesus touches him
"oh my arthritis is cured"
Aussie buys him a pint of fosters
Jesus touches him
"oh my bad back is cured"
Scouser nicks him a pint of Carling"
Jesus goes to touch him
"Fuck off I'm claiming benefits" |
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Rahul Stupid and Annoying
Posts : 6147 Join date : 2009-04-21 Age : 32 Location : shekshy shekshy
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:33 pm | |
| A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile... .Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've reached Date: 16 Mar 2008 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW! |
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Rahul Stupid and Annoying
Posts : 6147 Join date : 2009-04-21 Age : 32 Location : shekshy shekshy
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 4:36 pm | |
| A lawyer and a China man are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that all China men are so dumb that he could get over on them, easy.
So the lawyer asks if the China man would like to play a fun game. The China man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500,' he says.
This catches the China man's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'
The China man doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the China man's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the China man and hands him $500. The China man pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the China man up again and asks, 'Well, so what the hell goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?!'
The China man reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with the China man! |
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Navpreet The Forum Techie
Posts : 2269 Join date : 2009-07-08 Age : 31 Location : Enter at your peril, Past the vaulted door Impossible things will happen That the World's never seen before. In Dexter's Laboratory Lives the smartest boy you've ever seen But Dee Dee blows his experiments To Smithereens! There's Gloom and Doom When Things go Boom In Dexter's Lab
| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) Thu Jul 16, 2009 9:09 pm | |
| - Rahul wrote:
- A lawyer and a China man are sitting next to each other on a long
flight.
The lawyer is thinking that all China men are so dumb that he could get over on them, easy.
So the lawyer asks if the China man would like to play a fun game. The China man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500,' he says.
This catches the China man's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'
The China man doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the China man's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the China man and hands him $500. The China man pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the China man up again and asks, 'Well, so what the hell goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?!'
The China man reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with the China man! brilliant! |
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| Subject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) | |
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| Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough) | |
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