Navpreet wrote:

Chris Rock : Black Men love white women. Especially fat white women. A brother will drop-kick Keira Knightley to get to Rosie O'Donnell. Yeah there's a gut, but there's some good pussy under that gut. But black women get pissed the fuck off when they see a white woman with a black man, especially if the white girl is with a famous white man. For example, if a sister sees Denzel Washington with a whte girl, they start shaking.. "WTF you doing with Denzel, bitch!"...The reason black women are pissed off by some interracial dating is coz they are not attracted to white men!! Don't get me wrong, they will fuck a pretty white boy - Matthew McConnaughey, Brad Pitt, George Clooney - they'd give a Beckham a pussy - yes.. But there ain't a single black woman in the world trying to fuck George from Seinfeld...

George

I was sittin' flickin' chickens
And I'm looking through the pickins'
When suddenly these guys break down my walls
I didn't even know them
And they grab me by the scrotum
And they started playing ping-pong with my balls
Oy the agony! Oh the shame!
To make your privates public for a game!

I was sitting in a temple, I was minding my own business
I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass
Then these papist persons plunge in
And they throw me in the dungeon,
And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass
Is that considerate? Is that polite?
And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!

(It' a crowded town square in Ancient Rome, and a vestal virgin tries to persuade the Empress into saving the life of a slave, Josephus, by hiring him to work in the palace)

Empress Nympho: Say Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?
Crowd: Whooooaaaaaaa!
Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward.
Josephus: I got a great corkscrew!
Crowd: Whoooaaaaaaa!
Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd!

Marcus Vindictus: Oh Nympho, I would do anything to gain your favor. How can I catch you? How can ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant!
Empress Nympho: Ah, but the servant waits, while the *master* baits!

(If you didn't get it, try joining the last two words together phonetically)

(The Roman Senate is in session)

Leader of Senate: All fellow members of the Roman senate hear me. Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich? Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor? How does the senate vote?
Entire Senate: FUCK THE POOR!

Roman Officer: Seize him!
Josephus: [grabs crotch] Seize *this*, honkus!

Stoned Soldier 1: Do you care if it falls?
Stoned Soldier 2: What?
Stoned Soldier 1: The Roman Empire?
Stoned Soldier 2: [laughs] Fuck it!

WTF kinda guy...

What the hell!

Chutya

George Carlin :

"There are seven words you can't say on TV. Those seven are : "Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker and Tits." Those are the heavy seven.

But I don't think "Tits" should be one of them. Tits sounds like a snack of some kind. Oh Yes, It IS a snack. I bet you can't just have one!!

Apart from these heavy 7 that you can never say on TV, there are some double meaning words that can be said.. like "the COCK crowed three times".. thats even in the Bible..

The second such word is Prick..
It's OK if you Prick your finger, But OH.. You can't finger your prick!!! No No! "

Can't finger your prick!!

Bloody Hel

Just found out my mate is addicted to brake fluid

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

---------------------------------------------------
I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.

He was chuffed to bits.
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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on his grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...

I thought to myself, these fuckers have lost the plot!!

----------------------------------------------------

I've just seen a group on facebook called I hate feet

Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said....

'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

---------------------------------

Alzheimer's protest march


"What do we want?"

"I don't know!"

"When do we want it?"

"Want what?"

-----------------------------------

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

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My Grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

" It's worth spending money on good speakers " , he told me.
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Dictionary For Womens Personal Ads

40ish............................................. .....49
Adventurous....................................... .Slept with all your mates
Athletic.......................................... ....No Tits
Average looking....................................Has a face like an arse
Beautiful......................................... ....Pathological liar
Contagious smile...................................Does a lot of pills
Educated.......................................... ..F**ked to death at college
Emotionally secure................................On medication
Feminist.......................................... ....Fat
Friendship first.....................................Former slut/born again virgin
Fun............................................... .....Annoying
Gentle............................................ ....Dull
Good listener.......................................Aut istic
New Age.............................................Bo dy hair problems
Old fashioned.......................................No blow jobs or anal
Open minded........................................Desp erate
Outgoing.......................................... ...Loud and embarrassing
Passionate........................................ ...Sloppy drunk
Poet.............................................. .....Depressive
Professional...................................... ...Bitch
Romantic.......................................... ...Fridgid
Social............................................ .....Fanny like a wizard's sleeve
Voluptuous........................................ ..Very fat
Large lady...........................................Hug ely Fat
Wants soulmate...................................Stalker
Widow............................................. ...Murderer

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a shit."

----------------------------------------

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation... the brown Labrador turned to the black Lab and said, 'So why are you here?'

The black Lab replied, 'I'm a p!sser. I p!ss on everything... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I p!ssed in the middle of my owner's bed.'
The brown Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the black Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.'

The brown Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the Hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the brown Lab enquired.
'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said.

The yellow Lab then turned to the brown Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
'I'm a humper,' the brown Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'.
The yellow and black Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'

The brown Lab said... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'

----------------------------------------------------------

I called the Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

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My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I smashed her over the head with my Xbox.

Women' Personal Ads

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

- George Carlin - Brilliant Guy,,,

Some funny ones there.

George Carlin :

"We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere, folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake."

Navpreet wrote:

George Carlin :

"We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere, folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake."

Great words those.

woow, a collection

unown wrote:

woow, a collection

You can share some too in case you bump into them

GC (who else? )


"I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around. They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote -- who did not even leave the house on Election Day -- am in no way responsible for that these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created."

"How is it possible to have a civil war?"

"Er.. Pardon Me, ehehehe, ..... rat-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta... Awfully Sorry.. "

Navpreet wrote:

GC (who else? )


"I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around. They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote -- who did not even leave the house on Election Day -- am in no way responsible for that these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created."

hmmm... that makes sense

Tiger Woods Jokes:

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are said to be named Elin Woods…”clubs you can beat Tiger with.”

News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods’ crash. They are calling it, “Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger,” or how about “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant”?

What do you buy a Tiger for Christmas?…A new windshield!

Tiger is now in trouble with his sponsor Gillette because he said that “this was the closest shave I have had yet.”

Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger’s wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.

Tiger crashed his car because he was in a rush to move on to the second hole.

Tiger uses clubs to hit golf balls while his wife uses clubs to hit tigers balls.

Just because you’re the world’s no. 1 golfer, it doesn’t mean you can’t be beaten by your wife.

Excellent ones

for the tiger woods

Navpreet wrote:

George Carlin :

"There are seven words you can't say on TV. Those seven are : "Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker and Tits." Those are the heavy seven.

But I don't think "Tits" should be one of them. Tits sounds like a snack of some kind. Oh Yes, It IS a snack. I bet you can't just have one!!

Apart from these heavy 7 that you can never say on TV, there are some double meaning words that can be said.. like "the COCK crowed three times".. thats even in the Bible..

The second such word is Prick..
It's OK if you Prick your finger, But OH.. You can't finger your prick!!! No No! "

"There have been some corrections and additions in the list of heavy words. We have fucl there, but it is also present in motherfucker.

Another such word is "twat". The surprising thing is that twat can't be used for anything else. It only means one thing. Snatch, Pussy, Box, Snapper, Beaver mean other things as well, twat is the only word that means only one thing alone. You can have them in a Disney movie even - "Lets snatch the pussy and the beaver from th snapper and put them in a box!".. but you never can put "twat" in there..."


-GC